Learning Who I Really Am

All of my work recently could be boiled down to one simple concept: helping people to connect with who they really are. This is a rather strange concept in academic psychology, where existential questions like “who am I?” and “why am I here?” are usually happily shunted off to the philosophy department.

Yet surely these questions are hugely important in our psyches. How can we be happy, or fulfilled, if we don’t know who we are and why we are here. These questions underpin every moment of our existence. Why would we do something if it doesn’t matter? Why does something matter to us? Usually because it is in line with our values. What are our values? The things that make life meaningful for us. We do value-based things because we feel, deep down, that these are the most important things that we can do in our lives. In other words, our values are closely related to our individual sense of why we are here and who we are.

Very often people have lost touch with who they really are. We are brought up with all kinds of stories about our existence. Some people believe we are a bunch of atoms and molecules that when clumped together into neurons happen to lead to a sense a of consciousness (this story is called reductionism). Some people believe Adam and Eve ate an apple and were punished by a fall to Earth, where they are given tests by a God who wants to see if they are good enough to return to heaven (this story is a form of Christianity). There are millions of other stories out there that seek to explain who we are and why we are here. What’s your story?

The problem is that the rational, verbal brain is not best placed to answer these deeper questions. It is too full of stories such as these. It is full of ideas that can or cannot be true. These beliefs and ideas are internalised from living on this Earth and hearing other people’s beliefs and ideas. They rarely come from our own, internal sense of meaning. We need to move away from these cognitive structures before we can start to feel who we really are.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) there is an idea of “self as content” versus “self as context”. This sounds very confusing but it is a useful distinction. What this means is that we often define ourselves by the content of our thoughts. We might think: “I am a woman, I am a mother, I am a sister, I am a wife”. We might define ourselves by what we do: “I am a psychologist, I am a cyclist”. But are any of these who we really are?

Let’s do a thought experiment, if you’re willing. Write down all of the concepts that you use to define yourself. Now let’s say something awful happens to you. Maybe the world ends and you are the only person left alive. There’s no-one left to define yourself by. There’s no-one there to mother, to be a sister to. Can you still be youin those circumstances?

What if you have a terrible accident and you are locked into your body, unable to move or communicate with anyone around you. You can’t be a cyclist or offer anyone any therapy. Are you still you?

The idea of “self as context” (and no, I don’t like the phrase either) is that there is an essence of you-ness that is above and beyond all the ways you define yourself. It’s hard to find this through the thinking brain. Instead you need to find it via a different route. One of the main ways to explore this is through meditation. If you meditate regularly, you will become familiar with the observer perspective. You get used to observing your body, your thoughts and your feelings. Who is this “you” that is observing all of these ideas? Who is this “you” that is not swept up by beliefs and emotions but who can watch them from a small distance?

This “you” feels more like the essence of you. The part of you that is above and beyond your physical incarnation. It’s more than your thoughts and emotions. It’s much, much more than your stories. When in touch with this “you”, it feels as though you are in touch with who you really are. 

There are other routes to get in touch with this “you”. Ones that are quicker than meditating and that I use in the therapy I provide. They allow people to engage with the parts of them that know both who they are and why they are here.

Now I’ve worked with these methods a lot and I feel confident that I not only know who I am, I also have a clear sense of why I am here. I cannot overstate how amazingly helpful this is. If I can make a rather poor analogy, life is a bit like waking up in a field somewhere with no idea what on earth you’re supposed to be doing. Knowing who are you and why you are here is a bit like someone handing you a scrap of paper with your destination on it. You can now start to move forwards, judging each decision by your destination. (“Shall I go left here? Well it’s signposted to York so sounds about right!”). In practice, this means a much surer sense of purpose. It makes it easier to make major (and even minor) life decisions. 

The best thing is that this felt sense of “you” is much more intuitive than your rational mind. It doesn’t need pros and cons lists. You can just get in touch with that part of you and usually the answer is immediately apparent. You know, on this deeper level, if you should leave this job, end this relationship, travel to India. Your heart knows, even if your mind resists it.

So a lot of the work I do helps people to get in touch with this deeper sense of self. From there, a sense of purpose or meaning usually arises. Sometimes people love being in touch with this deeper sense of self. They will keep in touch with it all of their lives. Sometimes a glimpse and a sense of getting back on the right track is enough for now. They are happier and sense they are going in the right direction, and that’s all they need.

If you are interested in these ideas then make an intention to get in touch with who you really are. Then find a therapist who works with these kinds of ideas (an ACT therapist or energy psychologist might be a good place to start). Or start meditating regularly and see if you can find your own observer perspective. Once you know who you are, everything else starts to make a lot more sense.